An accident happens. Eddie works as usual. Suddenly, a ride in the park called Freddy’s Free Fall is failure. He helps the people who are in that ride with other workers. They are all safe. But there is a little girl sitting under that ride and she doesn’t know what happens. That ride will fall down soon. Eddie runs to that ride and pulls the little girl’s hands. The ride falls down. Eddie is dead.
At that time, Eddie feels comfortable and quiet. There is no pain. He wakes up and finds he is in Ruby Pier. But there is no one else. He feels young and his left leg is recovery. He can run and jump. He is so happy like a child. Suddenly, he hears some voice from the tent of the circus. So he goes in to the tent and sits down.
He sees “The Blue Man” whose skin is blue. Eddie wants to ask him some questions, but he finds that he can’t speak at that moment. “The Blue Man” tells Eddie, he will meet five people in heaven. They will teach him five lessons about his life. But first he thinks that God wants Eddie to learn to listen, so he can’t speak. “The Blue Man” is the first people he meets. And here is his heaven.
“The Blue Man” starts to tell his life story. He is an immigrant with his father. They were very poor as another immigrants. When he was young, he worked in a sweatshop. He was a nervous boy, so everyone in the sweatshop always laughed at him, and looked down upon him. His father felt he had shamed him. He went to a chemist, asked for a medicine for his nervous. The man in the chemist gave him a bottle of nitrate. He drank it every day, and took more and more. His skin was turned blue. He was fired by the sweatshop. Everyone thought he was a freak, even his father. So he joined the circus.
Eddie makes the mouth shape to ask “The Blue Man” why he was dead. “The Blue Man” answers him, he did. Eddie is shocked. “The Blue Man” goes on. The circus had the show in Ruby Pier every year, they were on show at that time. Ruby Pier was his favourite place. When he was driving outside the park, he saw a boy running cross the road to catch the ball. So he crashed the wall to keep the boy safe and he died by heart disease. The boy was Eddie. Eddie feels so sorry to “The Blue Man”. But “The Blue Man” smile at him and tells him that is the first lesson you have to learn.
When you die you just give your life to another one like I gave you before. I died but you alive. There is no any life has no means. Everyone has connected. No matter the people you know or you don’t know. Everyone’s story is also the same story in this world.
Eddie can speak now. He asks “The Blue Man” if he did really save the little girl before he died. “The Blue Man” tells him, he doesn’t know and he is gone. The heaven what he sees is changed. He goes to another place.
To be continued ……
Hi Twinkle!
ReplyDeleteWell, the first thing I've noticed about your writing, was how short and simple your sentences tend to be. That's perfectly fine, even encouraged in some forms of writing (e.g. scientific reports), though they do still vary their sentences structures every now and then. With fiction and casual writing however, we would usually prefer them to be a little more interesting, in both the vocabulary and sentence structures used. Many readers of popular writing read for pleasure, so it's not enough to just convey information, as in reports, but our writing has to be both engaging and well, "comfortable" to read. :)
Another thing...
"Eddie makes the mouth shape to ask “The Blue Man” why he was dead. “The Blue Man” answers him, he did. Eddie is shocked."
What did the Blue Man do that shocked Eddie?
From what you wrote, here's how a reader would expect the conversation to have taken place...
Eddie: How did you die?
Blue Man: Yes, I did.
The Blue Man's response would not have answered the question.
This is one of a few occurances of logical gaps within your writing. It's really important to never assume that the reader knows what you're thinking. Unless you have clearly described the events leading up to what you're trying to say, it's safer to not assume the reader knows who or what you're talking about.
It's difficult to explain everything in just one comment. I'll try to write up a more detailed explanation of what I've mentioned above, along with suggestions on what you could improve in your writing.:)
Hope it'll help!
P.S. There were also a couple of incorrect tense and word usage. Will try to correct a few in my post as well.